IFS for People Pleasers: How to Set Boundaries with Internal Family Systems

Why is it so hard to just say no?

Do you find yourself saying yes to something, only to kick yourself afterwards when you realise that you’ve taken on too much, again?

Maybe it’s saying yes to plans when you really need a night to yourself, agreeing to take on extra work when you’re already snowed under, or offering to help someone when you barely have time to take care of yourself.

On the outside, you’re seen as incredibly kind, generous, reliable, supportive, and hard-working. But on the inside, you might be feeling exhausted, resentful, guilty, disconnected, or even angry.

This pattern of people-pleasing, followed by exhaustion and resentment, is so common, especially amongst women. You may have been taught (directly or indirectly) to ignore or suppress your own needs in order to always put others first. This is what our society tells us: being selfless is good, and putting yourself first is selfish or bad. This can leave you wondering if feeling resentful or wanting to say no is a sign that you’re ‘bad’ or ‘selfish’.

I promise, you’re not. When you constantly put others first, it’s completely natural to become burnt out and resentful over time. But it doesn't have to be this way. If you’d like to create more balance and learn to care for others as well as yourself, Internal Family Systems (IFS) can offer a gentle way forward.

Why is it So Hard to Set Boundaries or Say No?

Saying ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’ may feel quite automatic. Maybe you’ve tried to set boundaries before and get annoyed at yourself when you find the ‘yes!’ sneaking out before you’ve had a chance to think. Setting boundaries sounds simple in theory, but if we have parts that take over subconsciously and automatically, it’s far from easy.

That’s likely because you have a part, or parts, that feel it isn’t safe to say no or set a boundary. Perhaps these parts worry about being rejected or seen as unkind. They might feel responsible for keeping everyone happy or holding everything together. These parts can be formed by early experiences and messages you received around needing to please others to be loved or valued, or from experiences of rejection or punishment when you did say no. These parts of you will now take over and say yes automatically because they truly believe that’s what you need to do to stay loved, valued, or safe.

But underneath this, there may be other parts of you that are feeling exhausted and have a deep need for rest, choice, and boundaries. When these parts are repeatedly ignored and overridden, and your ‘no’ is stifled, you may find your body begins to speak for you. This can show up as tension, anxiety, headaches, poor sleep, low mood, or chronic fatigue and pain. You can read more about how the body can communicate through pain and illness in my blog post ‘Listening When the Body Speaks’.

Understanding Your Inner People Pleaser(s)

When we look at people-pleasing through an IFS lens, we begin to see that it’s not you who always says yes; it’s different parts of you, each with their own reasons for doing so.

You might recognise:

• The Helper - loves to feel useful, needed, and appreciated. This part might believe that love is earned through helping others.

• The Peacekeeper - avoids conflict at all costs and worries that saying no will upset someone or create tension.

• The Achiever - equates worth with productivity and feels a quiet panic at the idea of disappointing anyone.

• The Responsible One - carries the belief that everything will fall apart unless you hold it together.

• The Caretaker - feels deeply for others’ pain and finds it hard to rest until everyone around them is okay.

• The Powerless - fears saying no is pointless and they won't be listened to anyway. They may have experienced boundary violations in the past.

  
  

The Other Side of the Inner Tug-of-War

As we’ve seen, while one group of parts is working so hard to people-please, other parts of you may feel very differently.

You might recognise parts like:

• The Exhausted One - longs for rest, relaxation, and time to yourself.

• The Resentful or Angry One - holds anger and resentment for having to do so much.

• The Rebel - may fantasise about running away, cancelling plans, or saying no.

• The Withdrawn One - shuts down, numbs out, or retreats when it all gets too much.

• The Guilty One - feels awful for thinking and feeling any of the above.

  
  

None of these parts are “bad” or “wrong.” They are all attempting to help or protect you in some way. You don’t need to change or get rid of any of them; instead, IFS invites you to get to know them with curiosity and compassion. This helps you to listen to both sides: the parts that say yes and the parts that long for more rest or honesty. This can help you to find a more balanced, integrated way of showing up, taking care of yourself as well as others.

IFS Journal Prompts for People Pleasers

The above are just examples. You may identify with some or all of them, and you may also have parts that are not mentioned here. If you’d like to begin exploring your own inner world, you might start with a gentle journaling practice.

You could explore:

• What thoughts and feelings do I notice when someone asks me to do something?

• What do I notice in my body when someone asks me to do something?

• What am I afraid would happen if I said no?

• What thoughts and feelings do I notice after I’ve said yes?

• How do I feel in my body after I’ve said yes?

• What other parts of me show up when I say yes?

  
  

See if you can stay open and curious with whatever comes up. If you feel judgement, frustration, or guilt around a particular part, simply acknowledge that this is another part and see if you can get curious about that one too. It can be helpful to remember that acknowledging and getting to know these parts isn’t the same as agreeing with them or letting them take over. You’re just listening so that you can better understand yourself.

Finding More Balance as a People Pleaser

You don’t have to stop caring for others to start caring for yourself. The goal isn’t to shut down your kind and giving parts; it’s to include you in the list of people you work so hard to please!

Creating Space Before You Say Yes

If saying no feels daunting, and your ‘say yes’ parts are open to the idea, one gentle place to start is simply giving yourself more space before you make a decision. Often, our people-pleasing parts jump in so quickly that we don’t even have time to check in with what we really want or need.

By building a small pause into your responses, you give yourself a chance to check in first and to respond rather than react.

Phrases to Help When You Begin Setting Boundaries

• “Thank you for asking! Let me check my calendar and get back to you.”

• “I need to think about that; can I let you know tomorrow?”

• “That sounds lovely. I’ll have a look at what else I’ve got on.”

• “I’d love to help, but I need to check if I have the time/capacity.”

• “Can I come back to you on that? I’ve got a lot on and need to make sure I can commit.”

  
  

Each of these phrases offers you a little space, creating time to check inside and listen for what your system truly needs. This way, instead of being swept up in an automatic yes, you can begin to respond from a calmer, more considered place.

Negotiating with Your Parts to Set Healthy Boundaries

As you begin creating a little more space before saying yes, you might also start noticing the different voices or feelings that come up during that pause. This is where you can begin to gently get to know those parts and communicate with them directly.

These parts likely learned their roles a long time ago, at a time when saying yes or keeping the peace really might have been the safest thing to do. They did the best they could with what they knew and the resources they had at the time. But it's likely that your circumstances are different now, and your system might not have realised that yet.

From a calm, curious place, you might ask a part things like:

• “How long have you been doing this job for me?”

• “What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do what you do?”

• “What would you need to feel safe enough to let me decide whether to say yes or no?”

• "Are you willing to find a compromise?"

  
  

These questions help parts feel seen and respected rather than pushed aside. When they sense your compassion, they often begin to relax, opening up space for you, your Self, to take the lead and make the decisions.

Going Deeper

Working with people-pleasing parts can be transformative, but it can also stir emotions that deserve deep care and guidance. If you try some of the exercises above and find it tricky or confusing, don't worry! It's normal to need some guidance, especially when these ideas and concepts are brand new. In fact, the very best therapists I know still have regular therapy with another therapist to help guide them. So if you’d like more support on your journey, you're welcome to reach out for 1:1 IFS therapy sessions with me here.